My Blog

Category: Commitment

  • Why They Never Fully Commit—Until You’re Over Them

    Why They Never Fully Commit—Until You’re Over Them

    It’s a dating paradox that’s almost universally experienced: someone keeps you at arm’s length, offering just enough attention to keep you engaged but never enough to make you feel secure. You invest time, emotions, and patience, hoping they’ll finally commit. But the moment you decide to move on—when your focus shifts elsewhere, when you no longer seek their validation, when you’re finally at peace without them—they suddenly come rushing back, eager to prove their devotion.

    This frustrating cycle isn’t just bad luck. It’s deeply rooted in human psychology, attachment patterns, and the way people respond to perceived loss. The person who once treated you as an option is now desperate to make you a priority. But why?

     

     

    The Psychology of Losing What Was Taken for Granted

    Humans tend to value things more when they are scarce or no longer available. This is known as the scarcity principle, a psychological phenomenon where people perceive things as more desirable when they are hard to obtain.

    In relationships, this principle plays out in a frustratingly predictable way:

    • When you were emotionally available, they saw no urgency to commit. They assumed you would always be there, waiting.
    • When you stopped prioritizing them, they panicked, realizing they might actually lose you.
    • When you truly moved on, they suddenly “woke up” to your worth.

    For many people, the idea of losing someone forces them to reevaluate their emotions. Until that moment, they may not have even realized how much they valued the connection. It’s only when they sense a real risk of losing you forever that their desire intensifies.

    The Fear of Losing Control

    Another major reason why someone might hesitate to commit until you’re over them is control dynamics. If they felt like they had emotional control in the relationship—knowing you were always available, waiting, and hoping for their affection—they may have taken comfort in that position of power.

    The moment you remove yourself from that dynamic, the power shifts. They no longer have the safety net of your unwavering attention. They start feeling insecure, uncertain, and even rejected, prompting them to suddenly chase after you.

    This is why their sudden interest can feel disingenuous. It may not be about realizing they love you—it could be about regaining the comfort of having you in their orbit.

    The Role of Avoidant Attachment Styles

    Attachment theory provides another explanation for why some people only commit when they sense they’re losing someone. Those with avoidant attachment styles struggle with emotional closeness.

    • When you are actively pursuing them, they feel overwhelmed and may create distance.
    • When you step back, they feel safer to approach—because the threat of intimacy has temporarily diminished.

    Avoidants often crave love but fear emotional dependence. The moment you stop pressuring them, their fear of engulfment fades, and they feel comfortable reaching out again. Unfortunately, this cycle often repeats, with them pulling away once you start showing interest again.

    The Ego Boost Factor

    Sometimes, the resurgence of interest has less to do with love and more to do with ego preservation. People who thrive on attention and external validation may struggle when someone they previously kept at a distance moves on.

    • They may wonder, Why don’t they want me anymore?
    • They may feel rejected, even if they were the ones who refused to commit in the first place.
    • They may suddenly need to “win you back” to prove to themselves that they could still have you if they wanted.

    This isn’t always conscious behavior, but it explains why some people chase after lost connections—not because they truly want the relationship, but because they want to feel desired again.

    The “Grass Is Greener” Syndrome

    Many people who refuse to commit are caught in the grass is greener mentality—the belief that there might always be someone better out there. They hesitate to fully invest in one relationship because they fear settling.

    However, when they see you moving on, the dynamic changes. They now face the possibility of not having you as an option anymore. Suddenly, the “what ifs” creep in:

    • What if I made a mistake?
    • What if they were actually the right one for me?
    • What if I can’t find someone better?

    This realization may push them to act, but often, it’s not because they’re truly ready to commit—it’s because they’re reacting to a perceived loss rather than making a conscious decision to be fully present in a relationship.

    The Difference Between Genuine Commitment and Fear of Loss

    It’s easy to mistake someone’s sudden interest for genuine love, but there’s a crucial difference:

    • Genuine commitment is when someone realizes your value and actively chooses to build a relationship with you—before you have to walk away.
    • Fear of loss is when someone only wants you because they feel they’re losing control over the situation.

    If they only step up once they see you happy without them, you have to ask yourself: Are they choosing me, or are they just afraid of losing me?

    How to Handle Someone Who Comes Back After You’ve Moved On

    If you find yourself in this situation—where someone who wouldn’t commit is now suddenly desperate for your attention—it’s important to approach it with clarity and caution.

    1. Assess Their Intentions – Are they truly ready for a relationship, or are they just reacting to the fear of losing you? Ask direct questions about what has changed for them.
    2. Don’t Ignore the Past – If they weren’t willing to commit before, what makes this time different? Have they done any real self-reflection, or is this just an emotional reaction?
    3. Maintain Your Boundaries – If you’ve already moved on and feel at peace, don’t let their sudden interest disrupt your growth. You don’t owe them another chance just because they’ve had a change of heart.
    4. Trust Their Actions, Not Just Their Words – Promises mean little without real effort. If they say they’re ready to commit, they need to show it consistently.
    5. Consider Whether You Really Want Them Back – Sometimes, when someone finally becomes available, we realize we don’t actually want them anymore—we just wanted to be valued in the first place.

    True love isn’t about chasing or proving your worth to someone who couldn’t see it when it mattered. If someone only wants you once you’re gone, it’s worth asking whether they ever really deserved you at all.

  • The Rise of Situationships: Why Commitment Is Becoming Less Common

    The Rise of Situationships: Why Commitment Is Becoming Less Common

    Traditional relationships once followed a clear path: dating, commitment, and long-term partnership. But today, the boundaries of romantic relationships have become increasingly blurred. More people find themselves caught in the ambiguous middle ground between casual dating and official relationships—what’s now commonly referred to as a “situationship.” These undefined relationships, lacking clear labels and long-term commitment, have become the new norm in modern dating.

    The shift toward situationships is not accidental. It’s the result of changes in dating culture, social expectations, and shifting priorities. While some people actively choose non-traditional relationships, others find themselves stuck in situationships despite wanting something more defined. Understanding why commitment is becoming less common requires exploring the forces driving this cultural change.

    The Fear of Commitment in a Fast-Paced World

    Commitment requires vulnerability, responsibility, and emotional investment. In today’s fast-paced, high-stimulation society, many people hesitate to fully commit to a relationship. Fear of making the wrong choice can lead individuals to delay defining a relationship, opting instead for a flexible, non-committal arrangement.

    Modern dating apps and social media have reinforced the idea that there is always someone “better” just a swipe away. With an endless supply of potential partners at our fingertips, many hesitate to settle down with one person, fearing they might be missing out. This “paradox of choice” leads to people keeping their options open indefinitely, never fully committing to any one relationship.

    The Role of Dating Apps and Digital Culture

    Dating apps have revolutionized how people meet, but they have also created an environment where commitment is often deprioritized. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble encourage a casual approach to dating, where connections are made and discarded with a single swipe. Many users engage in multiple conversations at once, making it harder to invest deeply in any one person.

    The gamification of dating—where matches, likes, and messages provide quick dopamine hits—reinforces short-term excitement over long-term stability. Rather than investing in one meaningful connection, people often treat dating as a form of entertainment, swiping and chatting without a clear goal in mind. This dynamic fuels the rise of situationships, where interactions remain in a limbo state without progressing into committed relationships.

    The Appeal of Situationships

    Not everyone enters a situationship by accident. For some, these undefined relationships provide the best of both worlds—companionship, intimacy, and emotional support without the pressures of full commitment. Many people, especially those focused on career growth, self-discovery, or personal development, prefer a flexible arrangement that doesn’t require them to prioritize a relationship.

    Situationships also allow people to avoid the discomfort of defining a relationship. Labeling a relationship as “exclusive” or “serious” comes with expectations, accountability, and potential conflict. By staying in an undefined relationship, individuals can enjoy emotional intimacy without the fear of dealing with the responsibilities of a committed partnership.

    Emotional Uncertainty and the Downside of Situationships

    While situationships offer flexibility, they also create emotional uncertainty. Without clear expectations, one partner may develop deeper feelings while the other remains emotionally detached. This imbalance often leads to confusion, frustration, and unmet emotional needs.

    The lack of commitment in situationships means that either person can walk away at any time, often without explanation. This instability can cause anxiety and emotional exhaustion, particularly for those who seek a deeper, long-term connection. The ambiguity surrounding the relationship prevents individuals from making future plans or feeling secure in their emotional investment.

    The Impact of Social Media on Relationship Expectations

    Social media has played a significant role in shifting relationship norms. The “highlight reel” culture of platforms like Instagram and TikTok creates unrealistic expectations of what relationships should look like. Many people compare their dating experiences to the curated, idealized images of love portrayed online. If their own relationship doesn’t measure up, they may hesitate to fully commit.

    At the same time, social media makes it easier to keep in touch with past partners or potential future matches. This constant exposure to other dating opportunities can discourage individuals from fully investing in one person, reinforcing the idea that they should keep their options open.

    Changing Gender Roles and Relationship Expectations

    As societal norms evolve, so do relationship dynamics. Many people now prioritize self-growth, career ambitions, and independence over settling down early in life. The traditional timeline of dating, marriage, and starting a family has shifted, with more individuals delaying long-term commitments in favor of personal exploration.

    Additionally, shifting gender roles have redefined what commitment looks like. In past generations, relationships followed more rigid structures, with clear expectations for men and women. Today, relationships are more fluid, and traditional milestones—such as marriage—are no longer seen as necessary for fulfillment. This has led to a rise in alternative relationship styles, including open relationships, casual dating, and situationships.

    The Lack of Clear Communication

    One of the main reasons situationships persist is the absence of honest conversations about expectations. Many people avoid discussing relationship status out of fear that it will create conflict or drive the other person away. This avoidance results in prolonged uncertainty, where neither partner knows where they truly stand.

    In situationships, ambiguity becomes the default setting. Conversations about exclusivity, future goals, or emotional expectations are often postponed indefinitely. This lack of clarity keeps people stuck in undefined relationships, hoping that time will eventually bring more certainty.

    The Influence of Hookup Culture

    The rise of hookup culture, fueled by dating apps and changing social attitudes, has also contributed to the decline of traditional relationships. While casual encounters have always existed, modern dating culture increasingly prioritizes short-term interactions over long-term commitment.

    Hookup culture encourages detachment, where emotional investment is often seen as a weakness rather than a strength. Many people enter situationships believing they can keep emotions out of the equation, only to find themselves struggling when deeper feelings inevitably develop. Without a clear foundation of commitment, these relationships often end abruptly, leaving one or both partners feeling unfulfilled.

    The Cycle of Situationships

    Many people who experience a situationship find themselves repeating the same pattern with different partners. They meet someone new, develop a connection, and begin spending time together—only to realize, weeks or months later, that the relationship lacks definition. This cycle can lead to emotional burnout, making it harder to trust new connections.

    Over time, people who experience multiple situationships may become disillusioned with dating altogether. The repeated experience of uncertainty and lack of commitment can make individuals less willing to invest in new relationships, leading to a growing sense of cynicism about modern dating.

    How to Break Free from Situationships

    For those who want more than an undefined relationship, breaking free from the cycle of situationships requires intentional action. Setting clear expectations from the beginning can help avoid months of ambiguity. Expressing relationship goals early on ensures that both partners are aligned in what they want, reducing the chances of emotional misalignment.

    Establishing open communication is another key factor. Asking direct questions about exclusivity, emotional investment, and long-term expectations helps create clarity. While these conversations can feel uncomfortable, they provide necessary insight into whether the relationship has long-term potential.

    Recognizing red flags is also crucial. If a partner consistently avoids defining the relationship, refuses to discuss the future, or keeps their options open indefinitely, it may be a sign that they are not interested in commitment. In such cases, walking away from the situationship can be the healthiest choice for emotional well-being.

    Shifting focus toward self-worth and personal fulfillment can also help break the cycle. Investing in self-growth, hobbies, and meaningful connections outside of romantic relationships can reduce the need for external validation through situationships. By prioritizing emotional clarity and self-respect, individuals can create healthier relationship dynamics that align with their true desires.

     

  • When Silence Speaks Volumes: How Unspoken Pressure Affects Relationships

    When Silence Speaks Volumes: How Unspoken Pressure Affects Relationships

    In relationships, words matter. Open communication builds trust, understanding, and emotional connection. But sometimes, what isn’t said carries just as much—if not more—weight than spoken words. The pressure of unspoken expectations, silent disapproval, or implied ultimatums can quietly shape the course of a relationship without a single direct conversation taking place.

    A sigh at the wrong moment, a lingering look, a shift in body language—these small, seemingly insignificant actions can send powerful messages. Whether intentional or subconscious, unspoken pressure can create tension, resentment, and confusion, leaving one or both partners feeling trapped in expectations they don’t fully understand.

    Commitment

    How Unspoken Pressure Manifests in Relationships

    Unspoken pressure can take many forms, often creeping into relationships without being noticed at first. It influences behavior, decision-making, and emotional well-being, subtly shifting the balance of power and emotional security between partners.

    1. The Silent Ultimatum

    Sometimes, people don’t express their desires or expectations explicitly, but their behavior sends a clear message: comply, or face the consequences.

    • A partner might not say they expect you to cancel plans with friends, but their cold demeanor when you go out makes you feel guilty enough to stop.
    • They never directly ask for commitment, but their passive-aggressive withdrawal makes it clear that staying noncommittal isn’t an option.
    • They don’t verbalize their discontent, but their lack of affection or emotional availability makes you feel like you must change to keep them happy.

    Silent ultimatums often make one partner feel like they must choose between their own needs and the relationship, even though no direct request has been made.

    1. Passive Disapproval and Emotional Withdrawal

    A person doesn’t need to yell or criticize to express discontent. Silence, subtle gestures, or a lack of enthusiasm can be just as effective in conveying disapproval.

    • Instead of expressing hurt over something their partner did, they retreat into coldness and detachment, making the other person guess what went wrong.
    • Rather than openly discussing an issue, they sulk, sigh, or avoid eye contact, leaving their partner to interpret their mood.
    • They stop making an effort in the relationship, withdrawing affection or kindness until their partner “figures out” what they did wrong.

    This creates an environment where one partner feels like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure of what will trigger emotional distance. The lack of clarity leads to second-guessing, anxiety, and the erosion of emotional safety.

    1. Expecting “Mind-Reading” Instead of Communication

    Some people believe that if their partner truly loves them, they should automatically “just know” what they need. They don’t voice their feelings or desires, yet they feel frustrated when their partner doesn’t anticipate their needs.

    • They expect their partner to sense when they need emotional support but refuse to ask for it.
    • They assume their partner should know what’s bothering them without explaining.
    • They wait for their partner to change behaviors they dislike without ever addressing the issue directly.

    This creates a cycle of unmet expectations and resentment, where one person feels unfulfilled and the other feels like they are constantly failing without knowing why.

    1. Guilt-Tripping Through Silence

    Unspoken pressure often comes in the form of guilt—a nonverbal way of making someone feel responsible for another person’s happiness or disappointment.

    • A long pause before responding, a heavy sigh, or a quiet look of sadness can all be forms of silent guilt-tripping.
    • Instead of saying, “I wish you would spend more time with me,” they give you the cold shoulder until you feel guilty enough to adjust your behavior.
    • When they don’t get their way, they withdraw affection or enthusiasm, making their partner feel responsible for fixing the situation.

    This kind of silent guilt-tripping can be emotionally exhausting, creating an atmosphere where one partner constantly feels the need to prove their love or devotion.

    1. Social and Family Expectations That Go Unspoken

    Sometimes, the pressure isn’t coming directly from the partner but from external expectations placed on the relationship—whether cultural, familial, or societal.

    • There may be pressure to get engaged or married simply because “it’s time,” even though neither partner has openly discussed it.
    • One partner may feel an unspoken obligation to fit into their partner’s family or social expectations, even if it’s not explicitly demanded.
    • Cultural or religious expectations may place silent pressure on one partner to behave or conform in a specific way, even if no one has directly stated it.

    These silent forces shape decision-making and can cause internal conflict, especially if one partner feels pressured to fulfill expectations they don’t fully align with.

    Why Unspoken Pressure Is So Damaging

    Unspoken pressure creates an emotional burden that is difficult to articulate. Unlike direct conversations, where both partners can express their perspectives, silent expectations operate in the shadows—forcing one person to navigate an invisible minefield of emotional cues and behavioral demands.

    • It Creates Anxiety and Uncertainty – When one partner feels pressure without clear communication, they may constantly question themselves: Am I doing enough? Are they mad at me? What do they really want?
    • It Erodes Emotional Safety – Healthy relationships thrive on openness. Silent pressure replaces honesty with fear of disappointing the other person.
    • It Leads to Resentment – Over time, the person under silent pressure may begin to feel resentful, sensing they are being controlled without direct accountability.
    • It Prevents Real Growth – Instead of working through issues openly, silent pressure forces temporary compliance rather than real understanding and resolution.

    How to Recognize and Address Unspoken Pressure in Relationships

    If you feel weighed down by silent expectations, emotional withdrawal, or guilt-laden silences, it’s important to bring these hidden dynamics into the open.

    • Acknowledge What You’re Feeling – If you constantly feel pressure, anxiety, or confusion in your relationship, ask yourself why. What specific moments make you feel emotionally strained?
    • Name the Unspoken Expectation – If you notice a pattern of silent ultimatums, passive-aggressive behavior, or guilt-tripping, address it directly:
      • “I feel like you’re upset with me, but I’m not sure why. Can we talk about it?”
      • “I feel pressured to do this, even though we’ve never really talked about it. Can we be clear about what we both want?”
    • Encourage Open Dialogue – A relationship cannot thrive if one person fears bringing up their feelings. Healthy love is built on clear, honest conversations, not silent assumptions.
    • Set Boundaries Around Emotional Manipulation – If your partner consistently uses silence as a tool to get what they want, it may be time to set firm boundaries or reassess the balance of power in your relationship.

    Unspoken pressure doesn’t make a relationship stronger—it creates emotional confusion and silent resentment. Understanding how it manifests and learning to confront it head-on is essential for building a partnership based on clarity, respect, and mutual emotional freedom.