It’s a dating paradox that’s almost universally experienced: someone keeps you at arm’s length, offering just enough attention to keep you engaged but never enough to make you feel secure. You invest time, emotions, and patience, hoping they’ll finally commit. But the moment you decide to move on—when your focus shifts elsewhere, when you no longer seek their validation, when you’re finally at peace without them—they suddenly come rushing back, eager to prove their devotion.
This frustrating cycle isn’t just bad luck. It’s deeply rooted in human psychology, attachment patterns, and the way people respond to perceived loss. The person who once treated you as an option is now desperate to make you a priority. But why?
The Psychology of Losing What Was Taken for Granted
Humans tend to value things more when they are scarce or no longer available. This is known as the scarcity principle, a psychological phenomenon where people perceive things as more desirable when they are hard to obtain.
In relationships, this principle plays out in a frustratingly predictable way:
- When you were emotionally available, they saw no urgency to commit. They assumed you would always be there, waiting.
- When you stopped prioritizing them, they panicked, realizing they might actually lose you.
- When you truly moved on, they suddenly “woke up” to your worth.
For many people, the idea of losing someone forces them to reevaluate their emotions. Until that moment, they may not have even realized how much they valued the connection. It’s only when they sense a real risk of losing you forever that their desire intensifies.
The Fear of Losing Control
Another major reason why someone might hesitate to commit until you’re over them is control dynamics. If they felt like they had emotional control in the relationship—knowing you were always available, waiting, and hoping for their affection—they may have taken comfort in that position of power.
The moment you remove yourself from that dynamic, the power shifts. They no longer have the safety net of your unwavering attention. They start feeling insecure, uncertain, and even rejected, prompting them to suddenly chase after you.
This is why their sudden interest can feel disingenuous. It may not be about realizing they love you—it could be about regaining the comfort of having you in their orbit.
The Role of Avoidant Attachment Styles
Attachment theory provides another explanation for why some people only commit when they sense they’re losing someone. Those with avoidant attachment styles struggle with emotional closeness.
- When you are actively pursuing them, they feel overwhelmed and may create distance.
- When you step back, they feel safer to approach—because the threat of intimacy has temporarily diminished.
Avoidants often crave love but fear emotional dependence. The moment you stop pressuring them, their fear of engulfment fades, and they feel comfortable reaching out again. Unfortunately, this cycle often repeats, with them pulling away once you start showing interest again.
The Ego Boost Factor
Sometimes, the resurgence of interest has less to do with love and more to do with ego preservation. People who thrive on attention and external validation may struggle when someone they previously kept at a distance moves on.
- They may wonder, Why don’t they want me anymore?
- They may feel rejected, even if they were the ones who refused to commit in the first place.
- They may suddenly need to “win you back” to prove to themselves that they could still have you if they wanted.
This isn’t always conscious behavior, but it explains why some people chase after lost connections—not because they truly want the relationship, but because they want to feel desired again.
The “Grass Is Greener” Syndrome
Many people who refuse to commit are caught in the grass is greener mentality—the belief that there might always be someone better out there. They hesitate to fully invest in one relationship because they fear settling.
However, when they see you moving on, the dynamic changes. They now face the possibility of not having you as an option anymore. Suddenly, the “what ifs” creep in:
- What if I made a mistake?
- What if they were actually the right one for me?
- What if I can’t find someone better?
This realization may push them to act, but often, it’s not because they’re truly ready to commit—it’s because they’re reacting to a perceived loss rather than making a conscious decision to be fully present in a relationship.
The Difference Between Genuine Commitment and Fear of Loss
It’s easy to mistake someone’s sudden interest for genuine love, but there’s a crucial difference:
- Genuine commitment is when someone realizes your value and actively chooses to build a relationship with you—before you have to walk away.
- Fear of loss is when someone only wants you because they feel they’re losing control over the situation.
If they only step up once they see you happy without them, you have to ask yourself: Are they choosing me, or are they just afraid of losing me?
How to Handle Someone Who Comes Back After You’ve Moved On
If you find yourself in this situation—where someone who wouldn’t commit is now suddenly desperate for your attention—it’s important to approach it with clarity and caution.
- Assess Their Intentions – Are they truly ready for a relationship, or are they just reacting to the fear of losing you? Ask direct questions about what has changed for them.
- Don’t Ignore the Past – If they weren’t willing to commit before, what makes this time different? Have they done any real self-reflection, or is this just an emotional reaction?
- Maintain Your Boundaries – If you’ve already moved on and feel at peace, don’t let their sudden interest disrupt your growth. You don’t owe them another chance just because they’ve had a change of heart.
- Trust Their Actions, Not Just Their Words – Promises mean little without real effort. If they say they’re ready to commit, they need to show it consistently.
- Consider Whether You Really Want Them Back – Sometimes, when someone finally becomes available, we realize we don’t actually want them anymore—we just wanted to be valued in the first place.
True love isn’t about chasing or proving your worth to someone who couldn’t see it when it mattered. If someone only wants you once you’re gone, it’s worth asking whether they ever really deserved you at all.